he lost the auction wars
by kyrilu
Summary: Colin Trevorrow's Episode IX script characterized Hux as a Jedi-artifact-collecting Force-user-wannabe. This is my attempt at making that characterization work with TROS. Crack.


**1.**

"You have disappointed me for the last time," Armitage says, fixing a cold gaze on one of his subordinates, who never can fill out datawork properly. He extends his gloved hand, grasping...

The office boy stares at him with wide eyes.

"For the last time," Armitage says again. Opens his fist. Closes it.

The office boy just keeps staring.

"_The last time!_"

The office boy puts his hands around his neck. Coughs. "Aghhhh," he says, weakly. "I can't breathe."

Close enough.

"Next time," Armitage says, stiffly, folding his hands behind his back, "refer back to the FO.7 style guide of formatting instead of the outdated FO.6."

The boy lets out a sigh of relief. "Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

**2.**

Armitage loses the bidding war for Ki-Adi-Mundi's lightsaber by one hundred credits.

"That bastard Ren docked my salary," Armitage grumbles to the patron next to him in Oga's Cantina. "It's not my fault that we lost the _Finalizer._"

That was in the auction, too, cannibalized parts of the Star Destroyer up for grabs for Batuu's greedy rebellious masses. Armitage had done his best to ignore it, even though he felt a pang when he recognized the durasteel components.

"It's the damned Resistance," he continues. "They were the ones that destroyed our ship. I don't understand why he's mad at me." He takes a swig of his Sullust Spirit; he can't even remember if he's on his fifth or sixth drink.

"Rough, Armie," the patron says. "Rough."

"Ren's an irrational sodding wanker," Armitage says. "He's the _worst._ The worst. It's not fair that he can use the Force and go all Force strangling on everyone-"

At that, the customer grimaces. "I know the feeling."

"I wish I could use the Force," Armitage says, gloomily.

"You do?"

"Yes," Armitage murmurs. He waves over the purple-haired human bartender, who slides him a Womp Rat Whiskey, which appropriately tastes like rotting rodent guts. "I've always wanted to be a Jedi. Always. Because of my fucking _father_-"

"By the spires, he's one of those, of course he is," the stranger mutters, but Armitage is too drunk to care, caught up in his rant.

"My father looked up to the Jedi Order. Admired how they took children young and raised them to be strong, obedient fighters. He modeled his training programs after them, you know: our stormtroopers, and before that, his Force-sensitive little _geniuses_ on Arkanis." Armitage sneers. "I was never good enough for him."

"Someone once told me that all good people are touched by the Force," the stranger says. She puts down the hood of her cloak, revealing short dark hair highlighted blue and sharp taunting eyes.

She tells him: "You're not good people, space weasel. But I think you're at an interesting point in your life right now."

"Resistance scum-!" Armitage tries to snarl, but the protest comes out slurred and weak, his vision bleary, his head spinning, and his heart… not quite into it anymore.

"My friend Savi's a bit of a Jedi artifact collector himself. I can connect you two," Vi Moradi says, a jagged smile on her face. "In the meanwhile, General Ginger, let's talk."

**3.**

"We gotta get outta here, fast," Dameron says, as Armitage quickly escorts him, the former FN-2187, and the Wookiee out of the execution room aboard the _Steadfast._

"Wait!" Armitage says. "Not without my collection."

"... You've got to be kidding me," Dameron says, as they dart into Armitage's chambers, where there are shelves and shelves of transparisteel cases filled with lightsabers, robes, compasses, gauntlets, tapestries, holocrons, and other accumulated memorabilia.

"What the pfaask," Finn says. "_Why_ are we wasting our time over this?"

Chewbacca roars something in agreement.

"Your scavenger girl is a Jedi, isn't she?" Armitage says. Regretfully, he begins the process of emptying the temperature-controlled cases and stuffing the artifacts into packs. "She'll need these to resurrect the Jedi Order or train or whatever she's been doing. Besides, I'm doing you all a favor, saving your pathetic rebel lives-"

Finn throws up his hands. "Fine, alright! But we gotta make this quick. No less than three minutes." He joins Armitage, and Dameron and Chewbacca follow his lead, though Armitage is well aware they're keeping a wary eye on him.

Armitage pauses. "Professor Beaumont Kin joined your Resistance, correct?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Merely wondering," Armitage says, as he takes down the first edition of Kin's monograph on Jedi symbols and iconography from a shelf.

He wonders if Kin is open to signing autographs, despite the circumstances.


End file.
